Perfectionism and Trauma: A Vicious Cycle
Trauma and perfectionism may seem unrelated. However, they often have a complex relationship that frequently begins early in life.
Trauma can leave us feeling lost, confused and helpless while we are dealing with chaotic situations beyond our control. As a way to try to regain a sense of control, whether real or imagined, many of us develop the (false) belief that if only we can handle situations perfectly, or if we can become perfect ourselves, we can resolve the trauma and prevent future catastrophes.
After being shaken up by traumatic events, perfectionism can be a coping mechanism, or the brain’s way of trying to regain a sense of control and predictability in a world that feels unpredictable. Adopting this strategy as a shield against further harm, the idea is to be flawless, or ideal, and to avoid criticism, rejection, or additional trauma.
Trying to be perfect, or people-pleasing, can also be the result of the emotional trauma of not getting our needs met, such as attention, approval, acceptance, and love. This is another way of trying to control the uncontrollable – how other people treat us.
The Perfectionism-Trauma Loop
Perfectionsim as Control: Trauma survivors often feel a loss of control during the traumatic event. Anxiety about not being in control of situations can lead to perfectionism and a need for excessive control. The goal is to prevent future harm, though it often results in other problems.
Self-Worth and Validation: Perfectionism feeds on external validation, including avoidance of criticism and rejection. It comes from the belief that our worth is tied to our achievements and others’ approval. This relentless pursuit of perfection becomes a way to fill the void left by trauma and to seek validation to counteract feelings of inadequacy.
Self-Criticism and Re-Traumatization: Ironically, perfectionism can lead to self-criticism and harsh self-judgment when unrealistic standards are not met. This self-criticism can be as damaging as the original trauma!
Blame When Things Go Wrong: Even when we feel good about our accomplishments, we may blame ourselves when traumatic events occur in life that were outside of our control. We may know better and still feel like a failure!
When others withhold their acceptance and approval, it’s hard to believe we didn’t do something wrong or fail in some way. Believing we’re in control means we believe it’s our fault if things don’t go the way we want them to.
Escaping Trauma’s Grip: The pursuit of perfection offers temporary relief from the pain of trauma, but it is unsustainable in the long run. Trauma remains unprocessed and continues to exert influence, perpetuating the loop.
Breaking the Cycle: Healing from Trauma and Perfectionism
Self-Awareness: Recognize the patterns of perfectionism in your life and trace the back to the trauma that may have triggered them. Understanding the connection is the first step.
Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Understand that perfectionism was initially a survival strategy. Practice self-compassion as you work to change those patterns.
Mindfulness and Relaxation: Mindfulness techniques and relaxation exercises can help you manage the anxiety and stress that often accompany perfectionism and trauma.
Reframing Beliefs: Challenge the beliefs and thought patterns that perpetuate the perfectionism-trauma cycle. Replace them with healthier and more realistic beliefs about yourself and your worth.
Therapeutic Support: Seek therapy or counseling from a professional experienced in trauma and perfectionism. They can guide you through the healing process and provide strategies to manage perfectionistic tendencies.
There is Freedom in Imperfection!
Life isn’t perfect, and when you’re willing to accept that about the world, about others and especially about yourself, you become more relatable, calmer, easier to be around, and you free yourself up for creativity and growth!
Freeing yourself and others from unrealistic expectations allows you to breathe easier, to appreciate the strength and beauty that is there, and to adapt with more flexibility when changes inevitably occur. The journey may be challenging, but oh so rewarding!
If you’re interested in starting the healing process, reach out today to set up a consultation for therapy.
