Do You Apologize Too Much - Or Not Enough?
Perfectionistic standards, people-pleasing, and codependency can lead to problems of apologizing excessively or not apologizing when appropriate.
Reasons People Over-apologize
Low self-esteem, fear of rejection, or fear of conflict may lead you to apologize excessively. You may have learned to over-apologize to appease someone who was overly critical or easily angered. Or maybe one of your role models is known to be overly apologetic.
There is no need to apologize when setting boundaries, but you may find yourself apologizing for saying “no” or standing up for yourself. Asking questions, expressing your feelings or opinions, making requests, or basically taking up space, is not something you need to apologize for. That applies both literally and figuratively - such as when someone bumps into you!
If you’ve had this habit for a while, you may have been told to stop. Frustratingly, this often leads to a response like, “I’m sorry. I’ll try to stop. Oh no! I just did it again!”
People often say “I’m sorry” when they hear bad news. That type of sorrow is different from guilt. It’s a way to express condolences or sympathy, not an apology.
However, if you’re trying to break the habit of over-apologizing, it might be helpful to use a different phrase to show you care, such as, “My heart hurts that you’re going through this.”
What’s Wrong With Apologizing Too Much?
When you apologize for everything, even things outside your control, people might start to believe that you’re always doing something wrong. Others are more likely to perceive you as being full of self-doubt.
You won’t garner confidence by over-apologizing. Lack of assertiveness can lead to people taking you less seriously - even when you know what you’re talking about! People may question your abilities, your decision-making, your leadership skills, and even your authenticity!
What’s worse is by over-apologizing, you feed your own self-doubt, eroding confidence that is likely already struggling.
Reasons People Refuse to Apologize
There are many potential reasons for refusing to apologize. Maybe you were taught to view apologizing as a weakness.
You may fear that taking responsibility for your actions will open you up to blame, criticism, shame, guilt, legal repercussions, or other negative consequences.
Not knowing or caring how your actions have hurt others, stubbornness, past trauma, or being too insecure to admit when you’re wrong can all lead to the inability to properly apologize.
What Happens When You Never Apologize?
Apologies won’t fix everything! Situations can be very complicated, and apologies are much less effective if the behavior continues to repeat. However, if you think the answer to showing confidence and being a leader is to never apologize, think again!
Whenever someone is described as “never apologizing,” it usually comes in the context of anger, resentment, and strained relationships.
Refusing to apologize negatively impacts the way others perceive you. Someone who never apologizes is generally considered to have poor communication skills, poor self-awareness, and a lack of empathy. Though this behavior may be the result of low self-esteem, the perception is of someone stubborn and arrogant.
Not only will it hurt your reputation, but it also strains relationships by eroding trust, escalating conflict, and hindering communication. You miss potential growth opportunities by avoiding admitting and talking about the mistakes you’ve made.
Next Steps
Being thoughtful and sincere, taking accountability for what happened, and making amends when possible, have tremendous healing potential for your relationships.
Balanced apologies that are appropriate for the context, sincere, and demonstrate empathy and self-awareness are important skills to practice in all your relationships - at home, socially, and at work. Make sure you address the root causes of the harmful behaviors to prevent repeated harm.
Contact me today to set up a consultation for therapy to address codependent patterns and/or patterns of perfectionism.
