Overcome Fear of Using Your Voice
Most of us have heard that we shouldn’t care what other people think. And then we feel like we are failing because, of course we care! I don’t believe it would be healthy not to care! It would be antisocial to not care at all what others think. (That would be pretty extreme and lead to problems in life, actually.)
But I get it. You wish you didn’t care so much that it paralyzed you and prevented you from saying what you really want to say. Maybe you say things with such little confidence that you undermine your message and no one really takes you seriously. You apologize and discount what you’re trying to say. Your tone of voice, body language and disclaimers override you.
This might show up in all domains of your life, or you may be very assertive most of the time, and this fear shows up in certain life domains or in certain situations, such as while trying to date, doing the type of career you really want, or getting out there and meeting new people.
It could be that you’re confident with most people, but not with certain people you find intimidating, a colleague, friend, acquaintance, boss, or someone in your family, such as a parent, sibling, or cousin. It could be that you feel more shut down at work, at home, in social situations, or all of the above.
Why Do I Even Have This Fear?
Most of us have some fear of being judged, criticized, rejected, and abandoned. We don’t want others to think we’re unworthy. We may secretly think we ARE unworthy and don’t want others to find out!
Sadly, we live in a world where we have all been exposed to judgment, criticism, rejection, and loss. You may have been involved in relationships in which you were repeatedly mistreated, or emotionally abused.
Or you may have observed that people in your life regularly gossip about those who are not in the room, so you expect they do the same whenever you are not around!
If we internalize the negative messages we have heard throughout our lives, it becomes hard to believe we have anything important enough to say that would be worth the risk of potential pain. You may be asking yourself, “Why should anyone listen to me and accept me? It’s not like I’m anything special.”
You may be further along the path of healing and realize you have A LOT to offer that is worthwhile and valuable: your own unique perspectives are intelligent, creative, maybe even brilliant! But you still hesitate to speak up, to shine, to share your real self.
A Safe Place To Open Up
There are several ways to develop confidence and overcome fear of using your voice. Most of them involve practicing with someone who is safe. It helps if you can identify family members, friends, or mentors who are generally accepting, trustworthy and nonjudgmental.
Even if you already have some wonderful people in your life who are supportive, it can take a lot of work to trust and open up. This applies to therapy as well. A therapist is bound to ethical standards, including confidentiality and is there specifically to be nonjudgmental and supportive.
I recommend taking small steps. You don’t have to share everything all at once. Give relationships time to become reciprocal and see how safe you feel over time.
How Do You Handle It When They Disappoint You?
Notice I didn’t say IF they disappoint you. Being human, they are automatically disqualified from being perfect. It helps if you can work through those times by overcoming expectations of yourself and others to be perfect.
Therapy can help you explore those times when you’ve been disappointed in the past, how you handled it at the time, and learn new ways that are more effective for the future. This is one of the things I enjoy working on with my clients. It is SO rewarding to witness their growth in awareness and empowerment to handle situations with more resilience, increased acceptance of self and others, and confidence that allows a gracious attitude that leads to the courage to be vulnerable and speak their truth!
One of the best sources of confidence is knowing you are capable of handling situations as they come and that you will continue to be successful and thrive even when it hurts sometimes. I admit, it isn’t always easy, but it does get better with practice. it takes times to self-reflect, be willing to see different perspectives, and discipline to develop new skills, like healthy boundaries.
Next Steps
A good therapist can help guide you through this process. When you learn how to live the kind of life you deserve, instead of being held back in relationships, your career, and living the life you want to live, you will find the investment was well worth it!
Click here to book your free consultation with Alicia Shamblin, a licensed clinical social worker in District of Columbia, Maryland, Michigan and Ohio.
